Chic business cards
Like them? There are many more of such creative stuff in this site. And his previous showcase of such cool business cards got over a million page views! :green:
Management Speak
“Management Speak” is a set of management aphorisms rendered with insightful epigrams exploding the fine print hidden behind the jargon!
This collection is a part of “Keep the Joint Running” (KJR), the much-subscribed column of Bob Lewis.
You may like to subscribe to the weekly KJR articles by registering here.
This page contains a collation of selected “Management Speak” quips, which have been reproduced with permission.
Thanks a bundle, Bob!!
Management Speak
| Management speak | Translation |
|---|---|
| I’m committed to a high level of organization and structure. | I’m a hopeless mess and I’m depending on you to cover for me. |
| You’re not a team player. | You don’t think like I do. |
| You will have to do more with less. | We are shipping more work offshore. You get to deal with the fallout. |
| You’re immature. | I’m immature. |
| I don’t want yes-men. | You don’t have to agree with me, as long as you don’t disagree with me. |
| I get the big bucks because I’ve got the brains. | I’m clever enough not to let on I don’t know what I’m doing. |
| We’re looking for a dynamic and highly motivated self-starter | We’re looking for someone we don’t have to pay much. |
| There will be equitable separation packages for employees at all levels. | We get golden parachutes. You get tossed out of the plane with a backpack. |
| Thanks to your superhuman effort we dodged a bullet. | Your job is now to dodge one bullet per week. |
| That’s an interesting idea. Let me think about it for a while and get back to you. | That’s a great idea. Let me see how I can get full credit for it. |
| Things have changed and it now looks like your idea just might work. | You were right all along. |
| Let me play Devil’s Advocate. | My objections to your idea are pretty weak, but I’ll persist on arguing anyway. |
| This situation provides a unique opportunity to innovate a solution. | You’re on your own. We haven’t a clue how to solve it. |
| We need to define a process for the future. | This got out of control and I didn’t handle it. |
| Don’t be afraid to tell me bad news. | So long as your bad news doesn’t threaten my job security. |
| Use your best judgment. | Agree with me. |
| Get your priorities straight. | Use your psychic powers to figure out what I’m most worried about right now. |
| The new supervisor has a management by crisis style. | The department now has a crisis-by-management style. |
| Trust me on this. | I’m making this up. |
| Speak candidly - I have an open door policy. | Speak carefully; say the wrong thing and the door that will be open for you is the exit. |
| We need you to be a self starter. | We don’t have any effective management here. |
| All you have to do… | This will take you at least a year. |
| Sounds great; Can you e-mail me the details? | I must remember to add you to my spam filter’s blacklist. |
| It looks good in the PowerPoint. | It will be a miserable failure when put into practice. |
| I’m not going to make an official announcement. | I don’t want to have to answer any difficult questions. |
| Tell me about yourself. | If I tried to read your resume, I wouldn’t understand it. |
| We need to communicate better. | You need to use smaller words. |
| You don’t know the history of this. | You aren’t choosing sides. |
| Let me know if there’s anything I can do. | There’s nothing I can do. |
| You will never know how important your contributions have been to the organization. | Neither will anyone else, because I’m taking all the credit. |
| I don’t care who does it, as long as it gets done. | I don’t care who does it, as long as it’s not me. |
| You are empowered to make decisions on your own. | I expect you to figure out what I want you to do, and do it. |
| We just need a little time to get used to each other. | You just need a little time to get used to seeing things my way. |
| It should work. | We haven’t tested it yet. |
| My experience and instincts tell me … | Don’t confuse me with the facts. |
| I take full responsibility. | There’s no way I’m going to get fired over this. |
| I don’t see any problem with that. | That won’t affect my bonus adversely. |
| We need to hold people accountable. | We need a ready supply of scapegoats. |
| I think we have a mis-link here. | I screwed up because I didn’t listen to you, and I won’t take the blame. |
| I will need to research this more. | I need to ask my boss. |
Please stand by for more of such gems!
Truth redux
After browsing through my outlandish interpretation of the legend of Harischandra in previous post, a precocious whizkid whom I met yesterday observed that the kid in question is likely to change his views when he grows up. He may look at the story in a different perspective when he comes of age and draw appropriate morals.
Fair enough. We have been reared up on these morals. No means of escaping! But what about the rebel in me, who is already past that age? May be it is yet another proof of the adage that one can continue to be immature throughout one’s life! But as Mr. Alfie Doolittle would readily acquiesce, “I like to be that way!”. Oh, half my kingdom for the bliss of ignorance! 
And it leads me to the revisit of the topic of truth and trust through an article in the “CIO” magazine. Read more
Mukesh Ambani of Reliance becomes the world’s richest man!
Billionaire Mukesh Ambani (from India) on Monday became the richest person in the world, surpassing American software czar Bill Gates, Mexican business tycoon Carlos Slim Helu and famous investment guru Warren Buffett, courtesy the bull run in the stock market.
Following a strong share price rally today in his three group companies - India’s most valued firm Reliance Industries Ltd., Reliance Petroleum.Ltd., and Reliance Industrial Infrastructure Ltd - the net worth of Mukesh Ambani rose to $63.2 billion (Rs 2,49,108 crore).
In comparison, the net worth of both Gates and Slim is estimated to be slightly lower at around $62.29 billion each, with Slim leading among the two by a narrow margin.
Warren Buffett, earlier the third richest in the world, also dropped one position with a net worth of about $56 billion.
~ From: Rediff.com :: Read it from CNBC here.
But there were skeptics who thought Reliance will cease to be the Numero Uno after the split between brothers, Mukesh and Anil Ambani, but both are growing in wealth!
This is really a good news for every Indian!
Bravo, Mukesh!
Travails of a Manager
As nearly everyone knows, a Manager has particularly nothing to do except:
- To decide what is to be done
- To tell somebody to do it
- To listen to reasons
- Why it need not be done (or)
- Why it is not his job (or)
- Why it should be done in a different way, etc.
- To decide as to who should do it (the most ticklish part of the business)
- To follow up to see if the thing has been done
- To discover it has not been done
- To enquire why
- To listen to excuses
- To entrust it to someone else
- To discover that it has been done incorrectly
- To point out how it should have been done
- To find it to be of no avail
- To conclude that as long as it has been done,
- it may as well as be left alone.
- To wonder if it is not the right time to get rid of the people who cannot do a thing right.
- To reflect that each probably has a family and that, any successor would certainly be just as bad or may be worse!
- To consider how much simpler and better
the thing would have been done
if one had done it oneself
in the first place! - To reflect sadly
That you could have done it right
in twenty minutes
what has taken
a couple of weeks
for somebody else
to do it wrong !
Management Principles
The term “Manage” is often used in common parlance with a tinge of negative connotation like this:
- He has somehow ‘managed’ it.
- The student just ‘managed’ to pass the examination.
- His house is not so big; just ‘manageable’.
- How did you ‘manage’ to get a promotion, given your reputation as an abominable sloth!
What the heck is Management!
Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.
~ Peter Drucker.
A layman’s perception of management is some sort of an esoteric activity understood only by a few IIM-ians and Harvard-ians. It is also felt that the art of management is the exclusive domain of a few pompous pundits gushing out high-sounding and jargon-rich discourses. Besides, many creative management consultants nonchalantly drop awe-inspiring names like McKinsey’s, Tom Peters, Parkinson, Akio Morita, Lee Iacoca and their ilk. If you allow yourself to be still more awestruck, the wolves are apt to throw at you such pulpy and exotic best sellers like ‘One Minute Manager’, ‘10 Myths of Management’, ‘WOW’ etc. to bamboozle to a much greater degree!
A puritan has attempted to define the management thus:-
“Management is making desirable results happen through ethical and socially acceptable means, harnessing and optimally utilizing the available limited resources.”
But in fundamental terms, management is managing men who in turn manage the other components of an enterprise like money, machine and material. When “Business is people”, managing a business is managing people. Period.
In these Web pages, I wish to publish my collection of snippets and quirkiest quips and quotes from the very management Guru’s and also the experience of ordinary folks who have shown excellence in their own field of management.
Also some teensy-weensy tidbits out of my own humble efforts in practicing the art of management!
Please visit these pages:
- Management Snippets
- The wit and wisecracks of Tom Peters!
- Travails of a Manager
More of my collection of Management Principles are getting ready!
I hope to publish them Soon!
Please come back!
Tom Peters, the Guru
- Is it pain in the butt?
You bet it is! Nobody said that power comes cheap! - Tear up the rule book, because everything has changed. So, ‘forget learning, learn forgetting!’
- Technology will make many of the low-paying white-collared jobs redundant. So you really need to look to moving up the value chain.
- The notion of existence in perpetuity is a horrible concept. I’d rather be the chairman of Netscape, which got born, changed the world and died within 48 months; and have that on my tombstone, than have, ‘he met his earnings target for 50 straight quarters’!
- How long does it take to achieve excellence? May be less than a nano-second to attain it but a lifetime of passionate pursuit to maintain it!
- The devil is in details!
Dot the ‘i’s; cross the ‘t’s!
Answer every phone call, every letter or e-mail!
Nothing is unimportant! - When marketing a product, differentiate the intangibles; When marketing a service, differentiate the tangibles!
- In 1970, it took 108 men five days to unload a ship at the London docks. Today, eight guys with computers do the same job in one day. The blue-collar world has been revolutionized. And the white-collar world is next up, thanks to the incredible leaps in technology!
- In the next few years, 90 per cent of all white-collar jobs will either have vanished or changed beyond recognition.
- Don’t bother with gradual change. Incrementalism is the worst enemy of innovation.
- General Electric was begun by Edison as an entrepreneurial organization, and even at their bureaucratic worst, they had guys who actually ran things who never paid any attention to HQ!
- The Afgan campaign of US was Napsterised in the battlefield by cutting out the middle managers: majors, colonels and generals. Result: frontline soldiers could talk directly to pilots. Earlier, a war could be over before any army request for air cover would result in air-force support!
- The best leadership model is a general manager of a sports team who spends 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 53 weeks a year in pursuit and retention of the best talent!
- Many boards have members with an average age of 87.5 years and almost all of them are famous for having been famous some years ago!
- Good CEO’s should redesignate themselves as ‘CDO’s, or, Chief Destruction officers! Because, they are essentially get paid for blowing up their business before the competition does!
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About Me
I am S.K!
Ok, what's the big deal, you may ask! But you may miss a good deal if you do not dwell deep into this web site, specially hand-crafted for you. But what about me, the person? Wait, I am not good at making things up. If you stumble upon a good-sounding résumé, please pass it on to me!
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There are two ways of knowing. One is to actually know a thing, the other is knowing where to find out. -
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