Nuggets-Page-17
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and zesty and twitty quotes!!
Page :: 17
Comes in handy for autographs, texting, SMS-ing, slam books and party one-liners..!
Before you write, think.
Before you spend, earn.
Before you invest, investigate.
Before you criticize, wait.
Before you pray, forgive.
Before you quit, try.
Before you retire, save.
Before you die, give.
I farted in Twitter!
“I farted twice today” – that was what I twitted recently!
After all Twitter is for that – to announce to the world what you did (or did not do) in less than 140 characters!
And farting is no laughing matter ( may be it has some parallel with laughing gas!). It is quite a natural phenomenon created by flatulence in the stomach. May be the loud aural burst coupled with aromatic spread in a congregation may create a few embarrassing moments, but who can claim that the bio-gas has never escaped through their anal orifice ever!
But that was about the physical fart. What about the bureaucratic breaking wind through the mouth (this metaphor was first used by Prof. Northcote Parkinson, author of the famous “Parkinson’s Law”), which the politicians and bureaucrats indulge in all the time! Their gas consists of multiple solid waste like clichés, promises, hackneyed phrases like “Garibi Hatao (banish poverty), BPL (below poverty line), inclusive growth, under-privileged society and such stuff all the time, at the earliest opportunity. Give them a mike and out flows the fart automagically (sort of involuntary function) without any effort on their part.
The farting trend doesn’t end with oral onslaught. It extends itself to printed out “papers” (running to gazillion pages in A4 size, comb-bound), web sites, blogs, PDFs (keep pace with times, yaar!) and all other means of onslaught.
But farting, per se, is not a bad word (didn’t I say that earlier?).
You can learn about Legendary Farts here.
History records that occasional involuntary escape of wind through the cleavage on seat parts have resulted in unsavory and really discomforting situations to many.
One such episode is that of a football player who was shown a Yellow Card for “breaking wind” as a penalty was being taken. The referee deemed the act “ungentlemanly conduct” and booked the player responsible at Turn Moss in Stretford, Manchester.
There was another case of a pensioner with ‘disgusting flatulence’ who was banned from breaking wind in social club. The club ordered a pensioner to leave the building when he needs to break wind because his flatulence is “disgusting”. But the frail widower admitted that he had a problem but said he often could not make it to the door in time because his explosive flatulence takes him by surprise!
We can only pity that old man whose biological gaseous matter has a mischievous habit of escaping with giving an escape time lag – call it “latency” if you particular about semantics!
One of the first files I downloaded during my baby steps on internet several light years ago was a simple .wri file called “fartfile.wri”. It may be still available in the catacombs of web if you search for it in the big boy Google. But I am not sure the exotic sounds would be available which can be launched through Wordpad any more. But there are many PPS and HTML files available with the same content.
But I want to give a special treat to my customers with the virgin FartFile with full audio loaded!
Here comes:- Read more
Nuggets-Page-15
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 15
On the left side nothing's right and
on the right side nothing's left.
as below so above;
as within so without;
as without so within."
A: Providing answers that don't even begin to match the question.
up with, and it's the equivalent of a bicycle for our minds.
simplify, simplify.
It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.
When the sun comes up, you better start running.
Nuggets-Page-14
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 14
They don't expect it back.
my little sonny
and a rich man's joke
is always funny.
It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
I was married for two years.
Nuggets-Page-13
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 13
Why aren't the people in return allowed to keep secrets from the government?
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
In bad company.
Never let 'em rest
Till your good is better
And your better best.
Magnets have a positive side.
A: "What men know about women".
Ultra-legal New Year Greetings!
Doesn’t it cover all contingencies!
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the recipient of said wish.
By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Illuminative instructions!
Aim at better performance while performing!
Geeky epitaph
Geeks and nerds breath code and die in code!
Japanese learning English
Japanese girls learning English through exercise. Cute little ones and fantastic idea of teaching a language. Very practical!
Still more on Microsoft
Microsoft (read Windows) is something that almost everyone loves to hate! Microsoft-bashing is the pet pastime in the Geekosphere especially amongst the Open Source aficionados and Free Software evangelists!
And it is the butt of jokes that make rounds around the internet as many times as the earth spins around itself!
But even the blogs that predominantly dwell on Microsoft’s applications like .NET, c# etc seem to have joined the fray, as found in one such blog’s masthead:
And it is the butt of college humor ad nauseum!
Here is a couple of videos for passing your time (but don’t forget to genuflect before the Redmond God!) :-
P.G.Wodehouse
‘
Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse, “Plum” (that is what his first name sounds like when vocalized quickly!) to his friends, is one of the (one and only, in my opinion) outstanding comic novelists of all time. He is best remembered for his creation, the inimitable Jeeves, the stately butler extraordinaire, unflappable, erudite and peerless “gentleman”s personal gentleman”! It will be unfair to omit a mention of his master, the irredeemably dim and unflaggingly affable Bertie Wooster (“It is generally believed that he fell on his head when he was born”!)
The funniest writer ever to put words on paper!
~ Hugh Laurie.
Wodehouse (pronounced “woodhouse”) depicted a peculiar fondness for butlers, especially English butlers (“tall, decorous and dignified”). Indeed, no Wodehouse novel can be complete without a butler bringing in a salver with a brimming glass on top of it containing some elixir of life, mostly despised by his masters, since the liquid would either be yoghurt or milk, understandably looked down upon as poison, as more heavenly beverages a la a cocktail or a stiff whiskey (or, one of those Jeeve”s specials!) would have been more agreeable to the tormented souls!
He was born in Surrey, England in 1881 (15th of October, for those finicky about details!). He was educated at Dulwich College, where he met gentry-folk who would serve as the main characters of many of his future books. Also he practised boxing there. For over 70 years Wodehouse was to entertain readers with his comic novels and stories set in an England that is forever Edwardian and featuring idiotic youths, feckless debutantes, redoubtable aunts, and stuffy businessmen.
At 21 (1902), he started writing the “By the Way” column in the Old Globe. Also he kept on sending his freelance stories and contributed a series of school stories to a magazine for boys, The Captain, (in one of which Psmith made his first appearance).
At the age of 28, not a long time before First World War, (1909), he went to America, (that was his second visit; his first had been in 1904) where he continued to write short stories and also critical reports for papers as theatrical critic. He made a serial for the Saturday Evening Post, (and for the next twenty-five years almost all his books make its first appearance in this magazine).
At that time Wodehouse met people close to musicals circles, and wrote lyrics and took part in the creation of musical shows. At the same time he did not abandon writing and wrote Psmith, Journalist (1912), Piccadilly Jim (1918).
During the next few years Plum travelled with his shows and chose as his country of residence, France. He lived alternately in the UK and the USA until 1934, when he started living in France. PGW rented a house near Cannes in March 1932 but he settled in Le Touquet in 1934
In 1939 for services to the English language he received a doctor’s degree from Oxford University.
In the beginning of World War Two he was pursued by the French government during spy hunts. And when Nazi troops occupied France he was captured and interned in Germany. This was a grey area of his life which haunted him for many years – not that he lost sleep over it anyway! But perhaps he was too much for ordinary minions who could not easily get behind his tongue-in-cheek and cryptic metaphor on Nazi Germany. They thought he was supporting Herr. Hitler! After the war Plum continued to write books and took part not only in creating lyrics for musical comedies but tried his hand as a producer, with differing degrees of luck.
In the early 1930s he was in the bad books of the Inland Revenue – they could even sue him for £25,000 – the kind of troubles that one Bertie’s uncles used to lament about! He didn’t have the advantage that young Bertie had! Too bad!! In 1955 at the age of 74 he took American citizenship and lived afterwards near New York. In 1975 he was knighted by the Queen of Great Britain, and died shortly afterwards – February 14, on St. Valentine day, 1975 at Southampton, N.Y., U.S. May his soul rest in peace!.
Here are a few of the Golden Nuggets from the inimitable Plum!
“She was undeniably an eyeful, being slim, svelte and bountifully equipped.. and all the fixings.”
From “Spring Fever”
“..whom he had engaged principally on the strength of the horn-rimmed spectacles he wore.”
- Stanwood…..was a mass of muscle and bone and it was Mr. Cobbalt’s opinion that the bone extended to his head.
- Called upon to provide an earl and a butler, she (the nature) had produced an earl who looked like a butler and a butler who looked like an earl.
- She was sitting at a table near two financiers with four chins.
- My lips are sealed. Clams take my correspondence course.
- His future wife, his future father-in-law and his future dog by marriage.
From “The Butler Did It” – A non-Jeeves Adventure!
Beside him lay a fine bulldog, sunk at the moment in sleep, but ready to become alert at the first signs of breakfast.
- the back of his neck overflowed his collar, and there had recently been published a second edition of his chin.
- George, the sixth Viscount, was a man built on generous lines. It was as though Nature had originally intended to make two viscounts, but had decided halfway to use all the material in one go….
- My sister Flossie does all the talking for the family.
From The Old Reliable – Another non-Jeeves Adventure!
- There is only one real cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. He called it the guillotine.
- She had loved him twenty years ago when he was a young man with money and one chin. She loved him now, when he was a portly senior with no money and two chins. Women do these things.
- She can’t eat me. I don’t know so much. She’s not a vegetarian.
- and his stomach, always inclined to the policy of “Do It Now”, was sending up peremptory messages to the front office.
- feeling extreamly dubious of the whereabouts of the next meal
- He is as snug as a bug in a rug.
- and a third chin was added to his natural two by the limp sagging of his jaw.
- if you marry Topham, you”ll have half a dozen imbecile children saying, “Absolutely, what?”, all the time in Oxford accent.
- He looks much more like a lobster than most lobsters do.
From “Leave it to Psmith”
“Beach, the butler came in as a dignified procession of one.”
From “Piccadilly Jim”
- … her mouth was really the most individual thing about her. It was a mouth that suggested adventurous possibilities.
- He went on saying nothing.
- The past could look after itself.
- … wifely monologues
- His face was edited and re-edited several times over during his days in the ring
From “Doctor Sally”
“Did you ever hear the story of the ventriloquist who played solitaire? He used to annoy his wife by holding long conversations in his sleep. It became such a trial to the poor woman that she had serious thoughts of getting a divorce. And then one evening, by the greatest good luck, he caught himself cheating at solitaire and never spoke to himself again”
From “Ring for Jeeves”
“It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A.B.Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead and the lion thought it wasn’t.”
“Which is bigger, Mr Bigger or Mrs Bigger?
Mr Bigger, because he is father Bigger.
Which is bigger, Mr Bigger or his old maid aunt?
Old maid aunt, because whatever happens she is always Bigger.
Which is bigger, Mr Bigger or Master Bigger?
Master Bigger, because he is a little Bigger!”
Murphy’s Law proved!
Hover the mouse pointer on the right side of the bigger picture that comes on when you click the small image. You will find the right arrow. Click on it to go to the next picture (bigger one) in the sequence.
Click the continue link below to view the wonderful pictures!
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About Me
I am S.K! Yes. The quintessential S.K, the modest narcissist. Please take time to delve deep into this web site. I have been contributing to this site from 2003 onwards. I am sure you may stumble upon a few subjects of interest to you. To know about S.K the person, please visit my Google profile.
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