“I farted twice today” – that was what I twitted recently!
After all Twitter is for that – to announce to the world what you did (or did not do) in less than 140 characters!
And farting is no laughing matter ( may be it has some parallel with laughing gas!). It is quite a natural phenomenon created by flatulence in the stomach. May be the loud aural burst coupled with aromatic spread in a congregation may create a few embarrassing moments, but who can claim that the bio-gas has never escaped through their anal orifice ever!
But that was about the physical fart. What about the bureaucratic breaking wind through the mouth (this metaphor was first used by Prof. Northcote Parkinson, author of the famous “Parkinson’s Law”), which the politicians and bureaucrats indulge in all the time! Their gas consists of multiple solid waste like clichés, promises, hackneyed phrases like “Garibi Hatao (banish poverty), BPL (below poverty line), inclusive growth, under-privileged society and such stuff all the time, at the earliest opportunity. Give them a mike and out flows the fart automagically (sort of involuntary function) without any effort on their part.
The farting trend doesn’t end with oral onslaught. It extends itself to printed out “papers” (running to gazillion pages in A4 size, comb-bound), web sites, blogs, PDFs (keep pace with times, yaar!) and all other means of onslaught.
But farting, per se, is not a bad word (didn’t I say that earlier?).
You can learn about Legendary Farts here.
History records that occasional involuntary escape of wind through the cleavage on seat parts have resulted in unsavory and really discomforting situations to many.
One such episode is that of a football player who was shown a Yellow Card for “breaking wind” as a penalty was being taken. The referee deemed the act “ungentlemanly conduct” and booked the player responsible at Turn Moss in Stretford, Manchester.
There was another case of a pensioner with ‘disgusting flatulence’ who was banned from breaking wind in social club. The club ordered a pensioner to leave the building when he needs to break wind because his flatulence is “disgusting”. But the frail widower admitted that he had a problem but said he often could not make it to the door in time because his explosive flatulence takes him by surprise!
We can only pity that old man whose biological gaseous matter has a mischievous habit of escaping with giving an escape time lag – call it “latency” if you particular about semantics!
One of the first files I downloaded during my baby steps on internet several light years ago was a simple .wri file called “fartfile.wri”. It may be still available in the catacombs of web if you search for it in the big boy Google. But I am not sure the exotic sounds would be available which can be launched through Wordpad any more. But there are many PPS and HTML files available with the same content.
But I want to give a special treat to my customers with the virgin FartFile with full audio loaded!
Here comes:- Read more
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Tags: breaking wind, fart, fart file, fartfile, farts, flatulence, humor, internet, Latency, laughing matter, parkinson, parkinson's law, stretford, twitter
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 15
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
~ a T-shirt factoid
Truth is restricted to being one. Lie is not.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
To a smart girl men are no problem - they're the answer.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
Balance sheet:
On the left side nothing's right and
on the right side nothing's left.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur.
~ Red Adair
Confusion is a kinky form of enlightenment, clarity in drag.
~ Sherab Chodzin Kohn
Uncertainty is certainty that has stepped on a banana peel.
~ Sherab Chodzin Kohn
Negativity is brilliance competing with itself.
~ Sherab Chodzin Kohn
"As above so below;
as below so above;
as within so without;
as without so within."
~ Hermes
Meditation makes doing nothing look respectable.
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
~ Napoleon Bonaparte
We agreed to disagree and that is the only thing that we have ever agreed.
Half the world doesn't know how the other three quarters live.
A politician is trained int he art of inexactitude.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.
Law can never correct a family, it can only destroy.
The silence of good men is more dangerous than the brutality of bad men.
Every man is of supreme importance to himself.
~ Samuel Johnson
Q: What is the art of diplomacy?
A: Providing answers that don't even begin to match the question.
~ K.Balakumar
Laziness grows on people; it begins in cobwebs and ends in iron chains.
~ Sir Thomas Buxton
The love of indolence is universal, or next to it.
~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Statistics are 99% accurate and 1% true.
We are not out of work because the economy is bad. The economy is bad because we are out of work.
It’s not the question of being at the right place at the right time. It is also being lucky.
~ Nandan Nilekani, co-founder of Infosys
“I have known you for longer than I have not known you.”
~ Kris Gopalakrishnan
Most men live lives of quiet desperation.
~ Voltaire
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
~ Leonardo da Vinci
What a computer is to me is it's the most remarkable tool that we've ever come
up with, and it's the equivalent of a bicycle for our minds.
~ Steve Jobs
Our lives are frittered away by detail;
simplify, simplify.
~ Henry
To amplify, try to simplify.
Nobody says it better than the guy quoting the boss.
~ Workplace wisdom
Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.
When the sun comes up, you better start running.
You can never cross the ocean unless you lose sight of the shore.
~ Christopher Columbus
An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.
The roots of science, religion and philosophy can be traced to a mortal fear of nature, future and the unknown.
~ T.R.Jawahar
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies,but the silence of our friends.
~ Martin Luther King Jr
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Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 14
Borrow money from pessimists.
They don't expect it back.
When you make a war talk, you had better be prepared for a war.
"Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live."
~ Jim Rohn
Cruelty springs from weakness and insecurity.
People who have time on hands will inevitably waste the time of others who have work to do.
~ Thomas Sowell
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Just because you can do something, that doesn't mean you should.
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!
~ Seen in a beauty parlor
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....
A traffic slogan
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
I want to be like Gandhi, Martin Luther King and John Lennon.... but I want to stay alive.
~ Medonna
When people find out that I'm just a human being I guess I disappoint them.
~ Beyonce Knowles
A happy marriage is the one that exists "betwixt a blind wife and a deaf husband".
~ Michael de Montaigue
Men are always doomed to be duped — they are always wooing Goddesses and marrying mere mortals.
~ Washington Irving
Money is honey
my little sonny
and a rich man's joke
is always funny.
~ Thomas Edward Brown
There are three kinds of people - those who can count and those who can't.
Humility is a strange thing. The moment you think you've got it, you've lost it.
Small things hurt a lot. You can sit on top of a mountain but not on the tip of a pin.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
~ Oscar Wilde
I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.
~ Sam Kinison
Everybody is born with death in him; it is only a matter of time.
Louis L'Amour
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
The concept that an accused is innocent till proved guilty and must be treated with due respect and dignity finds no place in Indian courts where only the judge has honour and only the advocates are learned.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Girls want a wedding, they don't want a marriage. If only you could have weddings without marriages.
~ Sir Salman Rushdie
You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.
~ Wayne Gretzky, Canadian Hockey player
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
The difference between a child and an adult is not years, rather it is a willingness to accept responsibility, to be responsible for one's actions.
~ Louis L'Amour
The truth is more important than the facts.
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Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 13
Governments keep a lot of secrets from their people.
Why aren't the people in return allowed to keep secrets from the government?
~ Philip Zimmermann, Der Spiegl
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
~ Susan Ertz
Rule of Defactualization:
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
~ Joseph Heller, Catch-22
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
Alone, adj.:
In bad company.
~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
No good deed goes unpunished.
~ Clare Boothe Luce
Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
~ Bertrand Russell
O Liberty! How many crimes are committed in thy name!
~ Jeanne-Marie Roland
If you force folks to own what they say, odds are they’d watch what they say, too.
Employees make inexcusable errors; bosses make only human mistakes.
There are two ways of knowing. One is to actually know a thing, the other is knowing where to find out.
~ Samuel Johnson
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
~ Ingrid Bergman
Good better best
Never let 'em rest
Till your good is better
And your better best.
If food compromises with poison death will win.
~ Ayn Rand
Exercise and excuse are close cousins.
~ S.K
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side.
If you lend someone money, and never see him again, it was probably worth it.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Goethe
You have the right to remain silent. Please exercise it.
~ a T-shirt factoid
Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife.
~ Groucho Marx
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
He was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
He doesn't know the meaning of fear, but then he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Work always fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What men know about women".
If god had really intended men to fly, he'd have made it easier to get to the airport.
I don't know, I don't care and it doesn't make any difference.
~ Albert Einstein
You can select any color of the car you want, as long as it is black.
~ Henry Ford
All men are animals. Some make better pets.
I tell you, gold is easier found than kept.
~ Luis L'Amour
The day you start realizing what your father said was right, you already have a son who says you are wrong.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
~ Terry Pratchett
It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.
~ Stephen Fry
"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."
If you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
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Doesn’t it cover all contingencies!
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the recipient of said wish.
By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Via
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And farting is no laughing matter ( may be it has some parallel with laughing gas!). It is quite a natural phenomenon created by flatulence in the stomach. May be the loud aural burst coupled with aromatic spread in a congregation may create a few embarrassing moments, but who can claim that the bio-gas has never escaped through their anal orifice ever!
But that was about the physical fart. What about the bureaucratic breaking wind through the mouth (this metaphor was first used by Prof. Northcote Parkinson, author of the famous “Parkinson’s Law”), which the politicians and bureaucrats indulge in all the time! Their gas consists of multiple solid waste like clichés, promises, hackneyed phrases like “Garibi Hatao (banish poverty), BPL (below poverty line), inclusive growth, under-privileged society and such stuff all the time, at the earliest opportunity. Give them a mike and out flows the fart automagically (sort of involuntary function) without any effort on their part.
I am S.K!
Ok, what's the big deal, you may ask! But you may miss a good deal if you do not dwell deep into this web site, specially hand-crafted for you. But what about me, the person? Wait, I am not good at making things up. If you stumble upon a good-sounding résumé, please pass it on to me!
