Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 10
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
Aaron McGruder
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.
Will Rogers
"Who are you and how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."
Leslie Nielsen
The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything - or nothing.
Nancy Astor
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
Laurence J. Peter
You must quit when people ask you "why", and not, "why not"!
Sir Frank Worrell, the West Indies cricket legend.
Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
The ripest peach is highest on the tree.
Morality is contraband in war.
~ Mohandas K. Gandhi
When I could not see the light with my blind eyes, I blamed not my eyes, but the sun.
~ Saint Jerome
The punishment which the wise suffer who refuse to take part in the government, is to live under the government of worse men.
~ Plato
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
~ Woody Allen
But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
~ Ronald Reagan
"If I don't seem as depressed or morose as I should be, sorry to disappoint you."
There is no such thing, at this stage of the world’s history in America, as an independent press. I am paid weekly for keeping my honest opinions out of the paper. We are intellectual prostitutes.
John Swinton, a journalist, in 1890
Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home.
~ David Frost
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat.
Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant
~ Scott Adams
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
~ Cato the Elder
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
~ Rich Cook
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
~ Scott Adams
Man is the lowest-cost, 150-pound, nonlinear, all-purpose computer system which can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
~ NASA in 1965
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~ Aesop
Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
~ Marston Bates
All marriages are mixed marriages.
~ Chantal Saperstein
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
~Will Rogers
To believe is to know you believe, and to know you believe is not to believe.
~ Jean-Paul Sartre
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
~ Groucho Marx
What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.
~ Samuel Johnson
The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.
~ C. S. Lewis
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
~ John Buchan
The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor.
~ William Feather
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
~ Mark Twain
All Religions were invented by the Devil to conceal God from Mankind.
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
~ Earl Wilson
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
There are persons who, when they cease to shock us, cease to interest us.
~ Francis H. Bradley
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 9
You must have the steak as well as the sizzle.
I don't see any reason why American troops won't be able to come home Iraq slightly earlier than never!
~ Seen in The Onion.
Dictionary is the place where divorce comes before marriage.
College is a place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
"etc." - A sign to make others believe you know more than you actually do.
A classic is book which people praise, but never read.
Experience is the name men give to their mistakes.
A criminal is guy who is no different from the rest - except that he got caught!
Boss is someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Doctor is one who kills your ills with pills, but kills you with his bills.
"AIDS" - a superconductor (No resistance!)
An elephant is a mouse built on Government specifications.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Be kind to plants; eat more herbivores.
Committees do harm merely by existing.
Repay your debts only if you have plans to ask for more.
Do unto others what they would do unto you, before they get a chance.
An accountant is one who comes to a different conclusion when he adds up your expenses.
It is not enough that you succeed; others must fail.
Junk : Stuff you throw away
Stuff : Junk you keep
Mary had a little lamb - the doctor was surprised!
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
A signature reveals a man's character - sometimes his name too.
In countries under dictatorship, surgeons remove tonsils only through the anus!
Honesty is a policy that never matures for payment.
A friend in need is a friend to avoid!
Reading maketh a full nerd, writing an egghead and speaking a fearful dread!
Justice delayed is advocate longer paid.
Charity begins at home, and stays there mostly.
If you want to achieve success, peck, burrow, bray and kneel.
If you don't succeed at first attempt, bluff and bribe again.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Albert Einstein
"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."
Ronald Reagon
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
G.K.Chesterton
Ten habits of extremely lazy people:-
1. They don't like to finish things.....
The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else.
Facts are the enemy of truth.
Miguel de Cervantes
Biography lends to death a new terror.
Oscar Wilde
Browse through my renderings to the mankind out of the Gray matter to make your life better!
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 5
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
When God endowed human beings with brains, he did not intend to guarantee them.
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure..!
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
The Income Tax Act of India runs over 950 pages with an assortment of 298 sections.
Save energy: be apathetic.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.
~ The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
News is something someone somewhere doesn't want printed. Everything else is advertising!
Even the best watchmakers of the world cannot stop time!
Admiration is the daughter of ignorance.
Middle age is when the age starts to show around the middle!
At first man seeks possessions. Then the possessions become the man. Then he loses his self, his spirit and his soul.
Never trouble the trouble until trouble troubles you!
To call him 'moth-balled' is an insult to naphthalene.
Zadra's Law of BioMechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach!
Today''s laurels are tomorrow''s compost!
Why 'Expires on' or 'Use before'? Why not 'Enjoy by'?
I don't want friends. Friends always hurt you in the end. The human race is flawed from its very inception. Nobody is really able to love unselfishly. Everybody is cursed with the dark design of evolution, masterful yet cruel oeuvre of God.
~ Isidore Ducasse
The man who makes no mistake does not usually make anything.
You get ulcer not from what you eat but from what eats you.
Major organizations try to find temporary solutions to permanent problems and permanent solutions to temporary problems!
All round happiness!
- Walk groundly
- Talk profoundly
- Drink roundly
- Sleep soundly.
Researchers in Nottingham University in England have found that mothers who shun meat or fish and swear by herbivoral existence are more likely to give birth to daughters than carnivores! The reason: It is theorized that vegetarian diet stresses the mothers' body so much that only the stronger (read - female) embryos survive!
A ship is safest anchored at the harbor. But it is not meant for that purpose.
Don't try to be so humble, you are not that great!
"'sic transit gloria mundi' (Thus passes the Glory of the World!)"
Light cannot be adulterated with darkness.
"You cannot make an omelette without breaking the egg."
He had such a criminal record that he was wanted in 12 states and not wanted in the rest!
Drinking problem: 2 hands, but only one mouth!
Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!
"One of these days is none of these days!"
It is the busiest man who has time to spare.
Guide to Modern Science:
- If it is green or if it wriggles, it is Biology.
- If it stinks, it is Chemistry.
- If it doesn't work, it is Physics.
- If it is incomprehensible, it is Mathematics.
- If it doesn't make any sense, it is either economics or Psychology!
I could have been an Egyptologist, but mummy objected.
I wanted to be a mathematician, but I had too many problems.
Alternately, I wanted to become a mid-wife, but the labor pained me.
What is a sanitarium? Ans: A 'nut factory'!
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 8
My dad discovered my mom and then invented me.
~ Unknown.
A person's worst critics are those who have benefited the most from him.
~ Aesop.
The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.
~ David Russell.
It's called take-home pay because there's nowhere else you can afford to go with it!
~ Anon.
Where there is a will, there is an inheritance tax.
~ Anon.
Doctors bury their mistakes. Lawyers hang them. But journalists put theirs on the front page.
~ Don't know who!"
History never looks like history when you are living through it.
~ John W. Gardner."
Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.
~ George Bernard Shaw.
Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people!
A rupee saved is Income Tax department's oversight.
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
~ Immanuel Kant.
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with -- even if he drank.
~ H.L. Mencken.
A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.
~ Sir Thomas Beecham.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
~ Mark Twain .
The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
~ Albert Einstein
The great tragedy of science: the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.
~ Thomas Huxley
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
~ Napoleon
First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII; and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure.
~ Douglas Adams
I have learnt silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.
~ Khalil Gibran
He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.
~ Albert Einstein
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.
~ Aldous Huxley
Success depends on three things:
- who says it,
- what he says,
- how he says it;
and of these three things,
what he says is the least important.
~ John, Viscount Morley of Blackburn
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
~ Franklin D.Roosevelt
Journalism largely consists in saying "Lord Jones Dead" to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.
~ C.K.Chesterton
Nothing is so unbelievable that oratory can't make it believable.
~ Cicero
India has too many laws; too little justice.
~ N.A.Palkiwala
An appeaser is one who feeds a corcodile - hoping that it will eat him last.
~ Winston Churchill
I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
~ Winston Churchill.
Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress - show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.
~ Thomas Alva Edison.
Few people know how to be old.
~ Rochefoucauld
A man never tells you anything until you contradict him.
~ George Bernard Shaw.
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Sign posted in a Rhodes tailor shop
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest
I sometimes feel I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe..!
Saw in a sig.
Don't drill too deep for truth; you'll end up deeply disappointed!
~ S.K
A Whale shark is a whale among sharks, whereas a Killer Whale is a shark among whales!
~ S.K
Each year 100 million sharks are being killed by man - so many that if you put them together, nose to tail, they would encircle the globe five times!
~ Premier Magazine.
I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
~ Mark Twain
If you don't stand for something, you might fall for everything.
It is not the pen.
It is the penmanship.
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 7
A hangover is the vengeance of grapes!
You ain't learning nothing when you are talking!
I have made up my mind. So, don't confuse me with facts!
Depression is the higher pitch of sorrow just as rancour is a higher pitch of anger.
'Ties are for slaves!' - A T-Shirt ad.
He was the only one in the group on a trip to Europe who didn't find anything wrong with the Tower of Pisa!
A man isn't necessarily a burglar because he wears a decent set of dress!
If someone doesn't create wealth, and slightly excess of it, charity would not just begin at home but would remain there!
We are on the wrong side of the tapestry
~ Father Brown
Fact is opinion.
~ Jug Soraya
I have been doing this from the time when you were a mere itch in your father's pants.
~ Heared in "Lethal weapon".
All cats are gray in the dark!
Which is bigger, Mr.Bigger or Master Bigger?
Ans: Master Bigger, because he is a little Bigger!
Which is bigger, Mr.Bigger or his Old maid aunt?
Ans: The old maid aunt, because, whatever happens, she is always Bigger!
~ P.G.wodehouse.
Some cute Euphemistic Aliases!
- Car Salesperson: Transportation Counselor
- Elevator Operator: A member of the Vertical Transportation Corps
- Shovel: A combat Emplacement Excavator
- A lie: Inadvertently disclosed incorrect information
- A lie (2): Terminological Inexactitude
- Atom Bomb: Radiation enhancement device.
- Firing an Employee: Proactive repositioning.
- Insanity: Mental activity at the margin.
- Lobbyist, Middleman or a Fixer: Freelance marketing consultant.
- Debt: Investment deficit.
There is one thing to be said about an egotist - he doesn't talk about other people.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggie" until you can pick up a big stick.
The average time between throwing something out and needing it again is about two weeks.
Oratory is the art of making deep noises from the chest sound like important messages from the brain.
If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone
~ Bill Cosby
The cheapest way to get your family tree traced is to run for an office in an election.
After retirement you'll find out that all those things you never had time to do become all those things that you have no money to do.
He was called arrogant, cavalier, cantankerous, impulsive,mercurial, self-absorbed, egotistical, combative, flamboyant, conceited, impractical and in short, a Genius!
Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.
~ Groucho Marx.
A jack of all trades leads an interesting life. But the master realizes one day that he is no longer the master.
~ Riz khan.
Democracy is inseparable from incompetence.
~ Rudyard Kipling.
Wealth is the foe of ingenuity.
~ Prof.Northcote Parkinson.
Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
~ Oscar Wilde.
There are many ways of going forward, but only one of standing still.
~ Franklin.D.Roosevelt.
A thief believes everybody steals.
~ E.W.Howe.
Darkness can't drive out darkness; Hate cannot drive out hate.
~ Martin Luther King.Jr.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
~ Anon.
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.
~ W. M. Lewis.
Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.
~ Anon.
Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
~ Anon.
Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
~ Anon.
Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.
~ Archimedes, (Pappus of Alexandria).
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it has stopped!
~ Marcel Achard.
Nuggets of quirkiest quips, snappy snippets and something zesty and twitty!!
Page :: 6
"Today is the Tomorrow that you worried about Yesterday!"
We have countless little ancestors inside us constantly trying to tell us what to do.
"We pretend to work because they pretend to pay."
Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday!
Before my parents made me, they broke the mould.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math!
"Time stops when law steps in."
"No man is a hero to his valet!"
Benito Musolini made Italian trains run on time (so did Indira Gandhi in India during Emergency!)
There are some people who are famous only for being famous!
Big jump ideas, if one reviews past history, have come out of mistakes, accidents and madness.
~ Edward de Bono
Some days I feel my life is in a "win-when" situation!
I don’t like to be reminded that I was once inside another person!
"Higher level of intelligence makes the person defend his point increasingly and try to prove someone else wrong."
Opinions are like a**holes - everybody has them!
The smell of wet earth.
Clouds chasing each other.
The flash of a diving kingfisher.
A drink from a burbling brook.
A fruit from a branch above.
A mouthful of mountain mist.
Trees to climb.
Tigers to fear.
And whales to wonder at.
Oh, to be a child and inherit all this.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Altitude has no effect on validity. Bullshit cannot be converted to truth simply by dropping it from a greater height.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the moment of temptation.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever!
~ A chinese proverb.
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I am S.K!
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