“I farted twice today” – that was what I twitted recently!
After all Twitter is for that – to announce to the world what you did (or did not do) in less than 140 characters!
And farting is no laughing matter ( may be it has some parallel with laughing gas!). It is quite a natural phenomenon created by flatulence in the stomach. May be the loud aural burst coupled with aromatic spread in a congregation may create a few embarrassing moments, but who can claim that the bio-gas has never escaped through their anal orifice ever!
But that was about the physical fart. What about the bureaucratic breaking wind through the mouth (this metaphor was first used by Prof. Northcote Parkinson, author of the famous “Parkinson’s Law”), which the politicians and bureaucrats indulge in all the time! Their gas consists of multiple solid waste like clichés, promises, hackneyed phrases like “Garibi Hatao (banish poverty), BPL (below poverty line), inclusive growth, under-privileged society and such stuff all the time, at the earliest opportunity. Give them a mike and out flows the fart automagically (sort of involuntary function) without any effort on their part.
The farting trend doesn’t end with oral onslaught. It extends itself to printed out “papers” (running to gazillion pages in A4 size, comb-bound), web sites, blogs, PDFs (keep pace with times, yaar!) and all other means of onslaught.
But farting, per se, is not a bad word (didn’t I say that earlier?).
You can learn about Legendary Farts here.
History records that occasional involuntary escape of wind through the cleavage on seat parts have resulted in unsavory and really discomforting situations to many.
One such episode is that of a football player who was shown a Yellow Card for “breaking wind” as a penalty was being taken. The referee deemed the act “ungentlemanly conduct” and booked the player responsible at Turn Moss in Stretford, Manchester.
There was another case of a pensioner with ‘disgusting flatulence’ who was banned from breaking wind in social club. The club ordered a pensioner to leave the building when he needs to break wind because his flatulence is “disgusting”. But the frail widower admitted that he had a problem but said he often could not make it to the door in time because his explosive flatulence takes him by surprise!
We can only pity that old man whose biological gaseous matter has a mischievous habit of escaping with giving an escape time lag – call it “latency” if you particular about semantics!
One of the first files I downloaded during my baby steps on internet several light years ago was a simple .wri file called “fartfile.wri”. It may be still available in the catacombs of web if you search for it in the big boy Google. But I am not sure the exotic sounds would be available which can be launched through Wordpad any more. But there are many PPS and HTML files available with the same content.
But I want to give a special treat to my customers with the virgin FartFile with full audio loaded!
The Fart File
- The Common Fart
The Common Fart is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the “Ripper”,but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren’t yet comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence…
Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart.
- The Anxious Fart
The Anxious Fart is let in a place where someone does not want the fart to be heard. You may have seen men and women in book stores or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts.
They are generally controlled, usually barely audible, and require much skill to master.
- The Coughing Fart
The Coughing Fart is one that the farter tries to cover up with a cough. My Dad used to let these farts all the time when he worked at the Bingo Hall. He would stand at the back of the hall and cough, just as a nice “common fart” was let. It can be embarrassing for the farter, and those around the farter, if the timing is off at all, or if the fart is longer than anticipated.
- The Wet Fart
The Wet Fart is one that sounds quite juicy. Quite often this fart is cause for alarm, and an indication that a trip to the toilet is imminent.
- The Blower
This fart is similar to the ripper, except it has a bit of a hollow, windy sound to it. This is due to farter blowing all the gas out quickly. This fart will almost always get a laugh.
- The Tight Bun Fart
This fart is always recognizable. It sounds like the farter’s buns were so tight that he/she was in pain while farting.
Not satisfied yet?
Here is something more to satiate your thirst for more of aromatic bliss! Yes. A veritable treatise on the types of farts out there – from Plain Jane through beefy and diesel to the Dutch Oven!
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