Management Speak
“Management Speak” is a set of management aphorisms rendered with insightful epigrams exploding the fine print hidden behind the jargon!
This collection is a part of “Keep the Joint Running” (KJR), the much-subscribed column of Bob Lewis.
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This page contains a collation of selected “Management Speak” quips, which have been reproduced with permission.
Thanks a bundle, Bob!!
Management Speak
| Management speak | Translation |
|---|---|
| I’m committed to a high level of organization and structure. | I’m a hopeless mess and I’m depending on you to cover for me. |
| You’re not a team player. | You don’t think like I do. |
| You will have to do more with less. | We are shipping more work offshore. You get to deal with the fallout. |
| You’re immature. | I’m immature. |
| I don’t want yes-men. | You don’t have to agree with me, as long as you don’t disagree with me. |
| I get the big bucks because I’ve got the brains. | I’m clever enough not to let on I don’t know what I’m doing. |
| We’re looking for a dynamic and highly motivated self-starter | We’re looking for someone we don’t have to pay much. |
| There will be equitable separation packages for employees at all levels. | We get golden parachutes. You get tossed out of the plane with a backpack. |
| Thanks to your superhuman effort we dodged a bullet. | Your job is now to dodge one bullet per week. |
| That’s an interesting idea. Let me think about it for a while and get back to you. | That’s a great idea. Let me see how I can get full credit for it. |
| Things have changed and it now looks like your idea just might work. | You were right all along. |
| Let me play Devil’s Advocate. | My objections to your idea are pretty weak, but I’ll persist on arguing anyway. |
| This situation provides a unique opportunity to innovate a solution. | You’re on your own. We haven’t a clue how to solve it. |
| We need to define a process for the future. | This got out of control and I didn’t handle it. |
| Don’t be afraid to tell me bad news. | So long as your bad news doesn’t threaten my job security. |
| Use your best judgment. | Agree with me. |
| Get your priorities straight. | Use your psychic powers to figure out what I’m most worried about right now. |
| The new supervisor has a management by crisis style. | The department now has a crisis-by-management style. |
| Trust me on this. | I’m making this up. |
| Speak candidly – I have an open door policy. | Speak carefully; say the wrong thing and the door that will be open for you is the exit. |
| We need you to be a self starter. | We don’t have any effective management here. |
| All you have to do… | This will take you at least a year. |
| Sounds great; Can you e-mail me the details? | I must remember to add you to my spam filter’s blacklist. |
| It looks good in the PowerPoint. | It will be a miserable failure when put into practice. |
| I’m not going to make an official announcement. | I don’t want to have to answer any difficult questions. |
| Tell me about yourself. | If I tried to read your resume, I wouldn’t understand it. |
| We need to communicate better. | You need to use smaller words. |
| You don’t know the history of this. | You aren’t choosing sides. |
| Let me know if there’s anything I can do. | There’s nothing I can do. |
| You will never know how important your contributions have been to the organization. | Neither will anyone else, because I’m taking all the credit. |
| I don’t care who does it, as long as it gets done. | I don’t care who does it, as long as it’s not me. |
| You are empowered to make decisions on your own. | I expect you to figure out what I want you to do, and do it. |
| We just need a little time to get used to each other. | You just need a little time to get used to seeing things my way. |
| It should work. | We haven’t tested it yet. |
| My experience and instincts tell me … | Don’t confuse me with the facts. |
| I take full responsibility. | There’s no way I’m going to get fired over this. |
| I don’t see any problem with that. | That won’t affect my bonus adversely. |
| We need to hold people accountable. | We need a ready supply of scapegoats. |
| I think we have a mis-link here. | I screwed up because I didn’t listen to you, and I won’t take the blame. |
| I will need to research this more. | I need to ask my boss. |
Please stand by for more of such gems!
