“Management Speak” is a set of management aphorisms rendered with insightful epigrams exploding the fine print hidden behind the jargon!
This collection is a part of “Keep the Joint Running” (KJR), the much-subscribed column of Bob Lewis.
You may like to subscribe to the weekly KJR articles by registering here.
This page contains a collation of selected “Management Speak” quips, which have been reproduced with permission.
Thanks a bundle, Bob!!
|I’m committed to a high level of organization and structure.||I’m a hopeless mess and I’m depending on you to cover for me.|
|You’re not a team player.||You don’t think like I do.|
|You will have to do more with less.||We are shipping more work offshore. You get to deal with the fallout.|
|You’re immature.||I’m immature.|
|I don’t want yes-men.||You don’t have to agree with me, as long as you don’t disagree with me.|
|I get the big bucks because I’ve got the brains.||I’m clever enough not to let on I don’t know what I’m doing.|
|We’re looking for a dynamic and highly motivated self-starter||We’re looking for someone we don’t have to pay much.|
|There will be equitable separation packages for employees at all levels.||We get golden parachutes. You get tossed out of the plane with a backpack.|
|Thanks to your superhuman effort we dodged a bullet.||Your job is now to dodge one bullet per week.|
|That’s an interesting idea. Let me think about it for a while and get back to you.||That’s a great idea. Let me see how I can get full credit for it.|
|Things have changed and it now looks like your idea just might work.||You were right all along.|
|Let me play Devil’s Advocate.||My objections to your idea are pretty weak, but I’ll persist on arguing anyway.|
|This situation provides a unique opportunity to innovate a solution.||You’re on your own. We haven’t a clue how to solve it.|
|We need to define a process for the future.||This got out of control and I didn’t handle it.|
|Don’t be afraid to tell me bad news.||So long as your bad news doesn’t threaten my job security.|
|Use your best judgment.||Agree with me.|
|Get your priorities straight.||Use your psychic powers to figure out what I’m most worried about right now.|
|The new supervisor has a management by crisis style.||The department now has a crisis-by-management style.|
|Trust me on this.||I’m making this up.|
|Speak candidly – I have an open door policy.||Speak carefully; say the wrong thing and the door that will be open for you is the exit.|
|We need you to be a self starter.||We don’t have any effective management here.|
|All you have to do…||This will take you at least a year.|
|Sounds great; Can you e-mail me the details?||I must remember to add you to my spam filter’s blacklist.|
|It looks good in the PowerPoint.||It will be a miserable failure when put into practice.|
|I’m not going to make an official announcement.||I don’t want to have to answer any difficult questions.|
|Tell me about yourself.||If I tried to read your resume, I wouldn’t understand it.|
|We need to communicate better.||You need to use smaller words.|
|You don’t know the history of this.||You aren’t choosing sides.|
|Let me know if there’s anything I can do.||There’s nothing I can do.|
|You will never know how important your contributions have been to the organization.||Neither will anyone else, because I’m taking all the credit.|
|I don’t care who does it, as long as it gets done.||I don’t care who does it, as long as it’s not me.|
|You are empowered to make decisions on your own.||I expect you to figure out what I want you to do, and do it.|
|We just need a little time to get used to each other.||You just need a little time to get used to seeing things my way.|
|It should work.||We haven’t tested it yet.|
|My experience and instincts tell me …||Don’t confuse me with the facts.|
|I take full responsibility.||There’s no way I’m going to get fired over this.|
|I don’t see any problem with that.||That won’t affect my bonus adversely.|
|We need to hold people accountable.||We need a ready supply of scapegoats.|
|I think we have a mis-link here.||I screwed up because I didn’t listen to you, and I won’t take the blame.|
|I will need to research this more.||I need to ask my boss.|
Please stand by for more of such gems!